And it’s the day I found out my journey didn’t have much to do with weight loss.
It was my fourth day at a place called Fitness Ridge in Ivins, Utah. I thought I was there to leave my life behind for a couple of weeks and get a jump start to getting my health back. But, as it turns out, I was really there to have a breakthrough.
And that breakthrough came on Thursday, December 2.
The day started with a comment a friend of mine left on my personal blog:
"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face...do the thing you think you cannot do." -Eleanor Roosevelt
I had no idea how much I would need those words just a few hours later when I went to the “Treading Class”.
I had heard about "Treading". I had heard it was hard.
Treading is a high intensity cardio interval program developed by the founder of Fitness Ridge. You start with a 5 minute warm up and then you’re told you’re going to go 5 minutes “as hard as you can go” followed by a 5 minute “recovery”.
"As hard as you can go" means different things to different people. I asked one of the trainers what that should be. I wanted a number...something to shoot for. She said, "Only you know what it is."
And I did.
I had a speed on my treadmill that knew I could barely do for 5 minutes. And I knew anything past that just was not possible.
“Not possible” as in “I KNEW I could not do it.”
KNEW.
I didn't just believe I couldn't.
I KNEW I couldn't.
But, my treadmill buddy on the left and I decided that's where we would start. And so we did, all the while with me knowing that when I got to the point I couldn’t go any longer, I would just quit—because that is what I had spent most of my life doing.
At 2 minutes in, I was in trouble.
My heart felt like it could rupture. And when that had happened before, that was when I would get scared and stop. I had never pushed myself past the point when I knew I couldn’t go any further.
"I can't do it. I can't do it." I huffed out.
"Yes you can, Laurel. You can do this." my treadmill buddies said back to me.
"I can't. I can't."
And that's when one of the trainers saw what was happening.
She came over and stood in front of me.
"Don't you dare stop. You can do this.”
“I can’t. I really can’t.” I barely breathed back to her.
She got into my face and said the words that would change my life: “Don’t you dare be the one thing standing in your way.”
No one had ever said anything like that to me before. Suddenly, I found myself thinking of all the things I wanted in my life...all the things that seemed so out of reach...all the things I had told myself I couldn’t have.
And I just wanted to stop.
There was a minute left.
I couldn't breathe.
I was scared.
I was exhausted.
“I can’t do this,” I yelled.
"30 seconds!" Trainer Tiffany yelled. "Don't you dare stop!"
And then I heard: "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...ONE!"
I hopped to the side and bent over.
And I sobbed.
Just five minutes earlier, I didn't just THINK I couldn't do what I just did. I KNEW I couldn't. I KNEW I was going to have to stop before it was time to stop. I KNEW it.
And here I was, in the five minute recovery, sobbing, trying to catch my breath, trying to grab some water...and I wasn’t dead.
Then it was time for the next interval.
Four minutes.
"I really can't do this again. I really really can't." I said out loud between gasping for breaths.
"Yes, you can, Laurel. You can do this," my treadmill buddies said again.
"Get ready to increase your speed" Tiffany yelled.
And we got to the speed again.
And again, I thought I was going to die.
And again, Tiffany saw what was happening.
And again, she came over and stood right in front of my treadmill.
"You know you want this. Don't doubt your ability to get it done. Don’t be the one thing standing in your way, Laurel. You have this!"
I thought of all those things again.
The sobbing started sometime during the last minute.
Breathing is hard enough without sobbing and that's when I knew I had to stop.
I was getting ready to jump off to the side but something in me kept going.
And the next thing I knew:
"30 seconds!" Trainer Tiffany yelled. "Don't you dare stop!"
Then "10...9...8...7...6...5...4...3...2...ONE! Recover."
My mind was spinning.
I had just done something I KNEW I could not do...not just once, but twice.
Which meant only one thing.
I. was. wrong.
I didn't even have time to process it when it was time for the 3-minute interval. And I knew if I could do the speed I previously could not do for 5 and 4, I could do faster for 3.
And then the cycle started again.
Me thinking I couldn't.
People yelling at me I could.
The 10-second countdown.
Me crying at the side of the treadmill.
And the speed kept climbing.
And I kept going till the end of the time.
I cried the entire cool down.
I looked to my right and my left.
"Thank you" I quietly whispered to my treadmill buddies. I knew I couldn’t have done it without them.
Tiffany came over.
"Don't you EVER forget what you just did," she said.
Something happens when you do the thing you think you cannot do. Mrs. Roosevelt was right. You DO gain strength, courage and confidence. But I also gained something else.
When I stepped off that treadmill, I had the "ah ha” moment of my life.
I realized I simply was not who I thought I was.
I walked into that class with limits on my abilities and ideas about what my life was supposed to be like...what it COULD be like.
And, well, if the limits I had placed on my physical abilities were wrong, the ideas about what my life was supposed to be like or could be like were wrong too.
That's no small thing.
I gained an entirely new view of myself on that treadmill that Thursday. I walked out of that class knowing I could never be the same again. Because the girl I thought I was just simply didn't exist anymore.
I became the girl who does the thing I thought I could not do.
And that is who I am now.
Don’t hold yourself back. Don’t be the one thing standing in your way.
Don’t. you. Dare.
(So… What's the thing you think you cannot do?
Get ready to do it. And join the journey!)
Laurel Christensen grew up in California, Kentucky and Missouri. She has a Bachelor of Science degree from Brigham Young University which she received after serving in the Riverside California Mission. She has spent most of her career at Deseret Book Company where she worked for several years as the Director of Entertainment, producing shows like The Forgotten Carols and launching and managing Jericho Road, among other artists. She is currently the Vice President of Product Development and also oversees the Time Out for Women program, spending many weekends on the road producing Time Out events. Laurel has a Masters degree in Communications Management and thinks it would be fun to someday be called “Professor”. She is the author of several talk CDs and books for young women.