THE GIRL I USED TO BE

 

I felt it almost as soon as the race began and I ran through the "start" line.
I should have turned back to look but I had a rule that I wasn't to look back.

I didn't want to be comparing myself to where the other runners were.

I didn't want to feel aware of anyone behind me.
This was about me and what I could do.
Not where I was relative to anyone else.

This was MY journey and I wanted to keep it that way.

But, now I kind of wish I had looked back.
I think I would have liked to have had the chance to say, "goodbye".
Goodbye to the girl I was leaving behind.

Does that sound dramatic?
I know it probably does.

But, if there was a way to open up my head and my heart so you could see the girl I was when this whole journey began, I think you’d agree. You see, seven  months ago, I felt trapped in my life and in my body. I knew my heart wanted to be the heart of the woman I was meant to be. But, it was so hard for me to believe I was capable of truly becoming someone different than I was—that I had spent 38+ years being.

And yet, here I was RUNNING a half-marathon. It seemed as miraculous as the parting of the Red Sea. And I supposed no one but  God and me will really ever know what a miracle it was that  the girl I was before was able to get to a place where the girl I am now could do THIS thing I’ve been doing.

During the race, with every step I took, I felt myself get further and further away from the girl I used to be.

Maybe that's why I ran for 6.5 miles without stopping (I still can't believe I did that). Maybe that's why I felt myself panic just a bit when the cramp started right before mile 7.
Because with every breath and every mile, I felt myself immerging into someone new.

And so I ran.

It was the hardest thing I have ever done. EVER. And by mile 9, I was spent.

And there was a time when the girl I was before would not h ave kept going.
There was a time when the girl I was before would have given up.
There was a time when the girl I was before would have stopped believing.

But that time was not this day.
And I knew with every push forward, I was no longer that girl.

The woman who crossed the finish line of the half-marathon on June 11, 2011 was not the same person as the girl who began.

And now, I have a story to tell…